Reflective Response

I'm not writing an essay along with you, but I have still been thinking a lot about identity, perception, and the gaze of others. I've been working on this poem this quarter - it's not finished I don't think, but here it is so far. It's a sort of response both to our themes this quarter and especially to Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking.


Vertigo

I see myself

Standing in new shoes in the church

Wondering at the questions
Do I take you
Do you take me

Later, laughing at how awkward it seemed
To share a bed
All elbows and knees

Your eye met my eye
You said to me,
So this is you.


I see myself

Standing barefoot at a cradle

Wondering at this small, soft thing
This of me
This of you

Later, smiling at how sweet it was
To feel this body between us
A warm center

Your eye met my eye
You said to me,
And this is you.


I see myself

Standing in old shoes in summer baked, crumbling earth

Looking out over the stretch of garden established
By me
By you

And laughing at this year’s bumper corn
Finally, so high
So green

Later, feeling the calloused coarseness
Of your hand as it fit so neatly
Into mine

Your eye met my eye
And the bright sun,
For a glancing instant
Reflected my eye
In yours


I see myself with you

Standing at the end of our long drive

Stopping for breath together
As we looked out towards the darkening mountain

Later, walking slowly, the sturdiness of your arm
A warm familiar
Under mine

Dear eye met my eye
And the old sun,
In its last glowing,
Caught and held my eye
In yours


But now

A dark eye cannot meet my eye
Cannot see,
Cannot say,
Cannot mirror to me,
“you.”

And I forget how to be
How to see
Without your gaze
On me

I am
cold
and falling

I am not

me